My (and Zeke's) Birth Story

I debated a lot whether to post details of Zeke's birth. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing abnormal about it. But I just wasn't sure if I wanted it immortalized on the internet. But after lots of pondering I decided that since I have weeks of belly pictures along with updates on my pregnancy that it only seemed normal. Plus it'll always be here for me to reference back to. I'm writing this story mostly for me. I don't want to forget the events that transpired which brought this amazing love of mine into our world. 

So before you start reading let me just warn you...I will be completely honest in my story and tell all. Maybe you'll be grossed out, or think this is inappropriate, but that's not my intention. Please save any hurtful comments to yourself. Also should you have any questions then ask away. I'm an open book. I also am super detail oriented. So I'm gonna type everything that stands out to me. Sorry if it drags on!!

Before starting the actual birth story, I need to give a few background details. I feel like these add to the story and I find myself remembering these things better than the actual birth some days. 

First: I'd known for a long time that I wanted a natural childbirth. By natural I mean no epidural. Some people consider natural to mean out of your hoo-ha the way our bodies were designed to, but I've always known it to mean not only that, but drug free. 

Second: On Monday the 12th I had started a new position in the city. While I had experienced lots of Braxton Hicks, I never thought I'd be in danger of having a baby at work. Hahaha

Third: I never grew tired of my pregnancy. I loved it until the end. I consider myself so fortunate for this! Don't get me wrong, getting up to pee 2-3 times each night, not being able to tie my shoes, and not getting to sleep on my back were all pretty annoying. But overall I loved being pregnant. I felt amazing the entire time and I still miss my belly some days. 

Fourth (and final): on Friday the 16th I had my scheduled prenatal appt. Chad and I arrive and this is the first time the doctor checks me for dilation. I'm 38 weeks pregnant at this point*. He tells me that I'm already between 2-3 cm dilated and that he won't be surprised to see me in the next week. This excited me so much. He gave me a note taking me off work which I drove down right after and turned into my brand new supervisor. He was sad to lose me, but understood. I turned in my time card and turned on my auto reply on my email. Upon leaving I drove to Kristin's house where I sat in the pool with her and Karis just relaxing.

And that evening I spent with a few of my best friends having a pig out/movie/gossip fest for no reason. Please note that I was still very much loving being pregnant. 

*Chad loves to share that I was a boss up till the end. My obgyn is located on the second floor and I never took the elevator. The stairs were always more convenient and I could still do them. So he was shocked when I started toward the stairs and I refused to take the elevator. (I think it's kinda rad I could still take stairs without much issue).

Now that you have the background, here's how things went down the day of. (This is already longer than I thought but hey if I haven't bored you to tears yet, then by all means keep reading!):

At about 5am I woke up with the feeling of contractions. I'd had Braxton Hicks (false contractions) since I was 20 weeks, but these felt slightly more painful. I got up and went to the bathroom to do my morning business. I got back in bed and just chalked to up to a stronger Braxton Hicks. The only problem was, they continued. After feeling them for about a half hour I decided to give up on sleeping and start timing them. At this point each contraction was around 7 minutes apart. I never took any birthing classes so I was trying to remain focused and not freak out. Chad and I had plans to watch videos on childbirth Sunday evening, but we didn't make it that far!

Around 6am my contractions were fluctuating between 5 and 7 minutes. Since some were longer I didn't think it was labor since my contractions were sometimes growing farther apart. I felt the need to go to the bathroom again so I went. For those that know me well, know how much I love taking a healthy number 2...but going in excess is never cool. Let me just say this, taking a dump while having a contraction is one of the crappiest (no pun intended) feelings. Your stomach is all tense and you're in pain so you can't focus on actually going to the bathroom. It just sucks. 

A short while later I got back into bed where I found Chad awake. I sat down and was working on breathing deep with my contractions (it just seemed like the right thing to do). He asked if I was okay. I told him I was just having some contractions, no biggie. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no because the doctor said my contractions needed to be 5 minutes apart for an hour before heading down. I continued like this for another half hour or so until once again I had to go to the bathroom. I took care of business and upon wiping I noticed that I had lost my mucus plug. It was pretty disgusting but I was really excited to see it. This meant to me that labor was on for sure.

I got back into bed and just remained sitting up and timing my contractions. What happened next us one of my favorite parts of this story. It still makes me emotional talking about it. Dexter often sleeps in our room and on our bed. The last few months he had given me space as if he knew I needed it. I'm was sitting there talking to Chad when Dexter hopped up, whined a bit and basically hugged my belly. He had a paw on each side of my stomach, rested his head on my leg, licked my hand, and stared at me. It was like he knew something was going on with me. It was the raddest feeling. 

Chad had asked me a few times during this process if I wanted to go to the hospital. I kept saying no because I didn't want to get there and be told I wasn't actually in labor and be sent home. Finally at about 7:20 I told chad it was time. Between contractions I put my last minute grabs into my go bag and gave chad instructions on what to do around the house before leaving. This is one of the most comedic this to me now. At the time I was having to focus really hard to get through each contraction. But Chad, bless his heart, in all in excitement kept asking me what else we needed to do in a very hyper fashion. At one point I told him, 'I know you're excited, but I need to focus, so you need to shut the fuck up.' I wasn't mean about it, just serious! He gladly obliged after happily petting Dexter and telling him that we were gonna have a baby today! At one point we were both in the bedroom and I felt suddenly nauseous. I told Chad I was gonna puke. Sadly I only made it to the hallway before i barfed on the floor. I finished barfing in the sink, and while I brushed my teeth, chad cleaned up my mess in the hall (what a sweetheart right?!)

I'd gotten dressed, my bag was ready, Dexter was fed, so we got in the car and headed to the hospital. I'm so glad I went into labor when I did. Our hospital was 7 mile but 30 minute all street commute through construction. But since it was early on a Saturday morning (and chad was hauling ass), it only took us about 15 minutes! We parked, I waited for my contraction to finish, then we headed to labor and delivery.  While having a contraction we checked in and I gave the nurses my information. I changed into a gown and told Chad to call my parents and sisters. I also told him to call work and tell them that he was now gonna take his leave. He wanted to wait for the nurses to be sure I was actually in labor (insert eye roll here) before calling. I told him that I was definitely gonna have the baby that day, and to go ahead and call. I listened to him make calls while I texted my closest friends.

By now it was 8am. My nurse came in and hooked me up to the monitors. She then checked me and told me that I was 5cm dilated. She was shocked that this was my first baby and I was proud I managed to hold on so long at home before leaving. Other nurses soon joined and hooked up my IV. But while attempting to put the needle in my right hand, she couldn't get it so they switched. This is relevant bc about 30 seconds later the original nurse noticed my hand had swollen. It looked like half a golf ball under my skin. So gross. 

After about an hour of being there the pain continued so when my nurse came in I asked her about pain management. She said I could get an epidural and I told her that my goal was to keep things as natural as possible. So she gave me some medication through my iv and within minutes I felt high as a kite and felt no pain! I remember looking at the lights on the ceiling and seeing them swirl around. I had to close my eyes in order to not feel sick from it! I slept for a short while but then as the meds wore off I started to notice how strong my contractions were becoming. The nurse checked me again about 9:30 and I was at 7cm. When I asked her about my medication wearing off she said my only other option for pain at that point was an epidural. But I told her again that I wanted natural. She was very supportive of me which I appreciated!

At around 10:30 the doctor had called (mine wasn't working that day)  and asked the nurses for an update. When they told her I was still at 7cm the doctor told them that she wanted to start me on pitosin. When my nurse told me this she reminded me that I have the right to say no, and I did! I knew if I had pitosin I'd need an epidural and I didn't want to risk it. 

The doctor finally arrived at noon and I was still at 7 cm. She told me she wanted to break my water and give me pitosin. I refused and told her that I wanted a natural birth. She told me she understood but she didn't want me to get to the point where I needed an emergency c section. I was firm and asked if she could break my water first and then go from there. She obliged and said she'd check on me in an hour. 

The next 20 minutes was a hell I never imagined. It turned out breaking my water was the key to moving me closer to delivery. By 12:30 I was crying to Chad that I couldn't handle it anymore. Why I wanted to go natural was beyond me. I was ready to bring on the epidural!! Chad assured me that I had nothing to prove and that I'd done so well. I pressed my button and cried to the nurse that I was ready for my epidural. My nurse came in and talked my down. She checked me and I was now 9cm. She told me that she could call the anesthesiologist but by the time he would get there I'd be pushing. My epidural window had closed. That's what I wanted but I was regretting it at that moment. The nurse told me to use my breathing techniques I learned in my birthing class...the trouble was I never took one. She was so sweet that she gave me and Chad a crash course in Lamaze. With the tips she gave me I was able to make it to delivery!

As my contractions increased I started feeling the need to push, so the nurse told me to go ahead! With each contraction I'd push a bit to get Zeke to move down. As this point Zeke decided it was a great time to turn over! So along with insane contractions, the nurse was telling me to turn from one side to the other in order to get him to turn back the right way. But I was in so much pain that I didn't even know how to move my body anymore. Through all of this Chad was amazing and was counting for me with each contraction I had. I wouldn't have been able to get through the process without his help! Thanks to him and my amazing nurses I managed to push through all the pain, get to 10cm and get him flipped back where he belonged!!! My doctor came back in about 2 and we were ready for delivery! 

I scooted down and they instructed me to hold onto the backs of my knees and pull on them as I pushed. They also instructed me to 'push from my bottom.' The delivery was the least painful, but the most difficult. Imagine running a marathon, and then having to sprint home afterward. To me that's the best comparison I can make to labor and delivery. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I was getting exhausted. Chad and the nurses were all doing their best to keep me motivated, but with each push, he would come out and then go back in just a bit. I apologized to the doctor and nurses because he hadn't come out yet. I felt like I was letting them all down! In order to give me a boost one of the nurses told me to look down so I could see his head. But I looked down and all I could see was my gown! So she said, 'if you feel comfortable, reach your hand down and you will feel his head.' So sure enough I felt the top of his head!!! It was the craziest thing I ever experienced. It gave me a HUGE boost to keep pushing, but even with a few more pushes he was still not budging. Finally the doctor said that she wanted to give me a little cut in order to make things easier. I said do it!! All I could think to myself was that I was so exhausted and wouldn't be able to push much more. So without hesitation she gave me an episiotomy. And holy shit that hurt sooo bad!! I didn't get any type of anesthesia beforehand so naturally I screamed. Hahahahaha! I was that person in the hospital. I even apologized for screaming. But that cut was the thing I needed because 2 pushes later, Zeke came out!!

After the weighing, measuring, cleaning, diapering, and the delivery of the placenta (holy crap a whole other world of pain) they gave me my boy. It was the most surreal feeling I'd ever experienced. This little life, that had grown inside my body, was now sitting on my chest. I couldn't believe the experience that I had just gone through and the way my body was shaking from the adrenaline running through me...but it is the most amazing thing I've done in my life.

I've had people ask me now if I would do anything differently, and I say no. I would go natural again in a heartbeat. Because I went natural, I was able to walk to my recovery room, I was able to be up and about easier than I thought. Not only that but Zeke was so alert and awake during the first part of his life. I am so blessed and I can't believe I am lucky enough to call this beautiful child my own.

I feel good! Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na!

On this first day of fall, I feel nothing short of amazing!

Just to show progress in time, it has been 14 weeks (just 2 days short of 15) since I've cut out fast food, and 11 weeks since I've started working out. Here are the main things I've noticed since I've started this change:

• Better digestion
• Faster Metabolism
• Less stress
• Increased energy
• Happier sense of self
• Boosted confidence

I'd say overall I never expected all these results. I did think I might drop a little weight, and gain a little energy, but what I've experienced has helped motivate me to push harder! I love getting a great muscle pump, I love not feeling disgusting and bloated after meals, and more than anything, I love the way I look! I haven't felt this confident in a bikini in a long time, I've always worn them...but the last couple of months I feel great in one!

I can't wait to see how my body progresses further, I think it's going to be a great ride and I cannot wait to continue my progress. I have decided to make a couple of goals for myself. While I am hoping to get pregnant soon, I don't know when it will happen. So first off, I would like to get myself into shape so that when I am pregnant, it will be easier to stay in shape. And until I am pregnant, and I have to take it down on a few things (not too much), I am going for a flat flat stomach...maybe even a six pack. Whether I make it there, I'm not sure, but I figure I can aim for it and do my best!!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Just like in the tale of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise wins because it takes it's time. Well I am the tortoise in the tale of my venture of looking and feeling healthier.

It has been nearly 10 weeks since I've cut out fast food, and it's been 6 weeks since I joined the gym. I have been fairly consistent with my 5 meals a day and I have even eaten much healthier. I won't lie, I have had cheats here and there. For example I had a deep fried Klondike Bar and a footlong corn dog at the fair a few weeks ago, I had fried wontons just last night (which were so worth eating btw), ice cream a few times, Red Robin when my hubby finished his fat loss contest, and I haven't given up alcohol. Not that I'm a heavy drinker, but I've been out to events 4 or 5 times this summer and divulged in some booze. Now that I'm listing these, I'm realizing just how many cheats I've had. Oops!

But even with all of this cheating, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I've noticed slimming in my face, as well as other parts of my body, and my digestion has been awesome. Some of my clothes are beginning to fit loosely, which is both good and bad because I'm glad I see the change...but now I might need to shop for new clothes. Oh wait a minute, those are both good things!

A friend of mine sent me this picture earlier this week, and if you follow me on Instagram or are my friend on Facebook, you may have seen it.

As you can see, she is totally ripped. And the reason my friend sent it to me, is because he said I resembled her. Once I saw this picture, I was able to envision a look. I could imagine myself looking like her.

Now I know getting there isn't going to be a piece of cake, but the more I see it, the more I envy her! Now I'm sure that smile is probably quite forced being that she must be carb depleted, sodium depleted, and probably has only eaten chicken and broccoli for the last few months...but damn...she looks amazing.

I would like to see myself looking similar to this one day. And I know it won't been any time soon, but it would be kinda badass to look like this.

The last time I posted about my intent to get fit, I had just taken a picture. And honestly, like I said in my previous blog, it made me sad. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Surely the camera must add 10 pounds, and not just pounds, but pounds of fat. Now I know I have wonderful friends who will tell me that I looked great even before, but I didn't feel great. I want to feel nothing but confidence in a bikini. Hell, I want to feel complete confidence naked! So with just a bit of hesitation...here is a collage of the pictures I took the last time I blogged, and my updated picture.

In this photo I weighed 136.4 lbs and my BFP (Body Fat Percentage) was 22.3%

I am down to 133.6 lbs and my BFP is 20.6% 

As you can see there has not been a drastic change in numbers, but I am trying to build muscle and tone as well. I'm not showing these pictures to be a show off, or to brag. I am using this blog to keep track for myself, and to maintain accountability for myself. I am proud of what I have done so far, and I can't wait to do even more! Thanks to everyone who has helped support me in my goals, I appreciate you all!

Fit and Fabulous

About 5 months ago I blogged about my beautiful friend, Jen. http://melissajean3.blogspot.com/2012/02/living-healthier.html

Jen leads one of the healthiest lifestyles I know. She eats right, exercises daily, and looks incredible because of it all! A few months ago we started going on hikes near her home. I loved getting the extra workout, and getting to spend time chatting with her. After hanging out with her much more often, I became even more motivated.

4 weeks ago, I was going through a very stressful and emotional time. I left work with a feeling of overwhelming sadness and frustration. So on the way home, I stopped to get myself dinner at McDonald's and ordered some food I thought would make me feel happier. I'm an emotional eater, so when I feel down, I eat the worst things. That night I ordered 2 double cheeseburgers, a large coke, and a large french fry. After I ate it all I felt sick. Not only because of the food, but because I allowed myself to ingest that much junk. I've seen lots of documentaries and shows and I know how unhealthy that choice was, but I got it anyway. That night I decided I would take a few days off from eating fast food. Since I ate it nearly every day, it was kind of a big deal. The next thing I knew, it had been a week. I wondered if I could avoid fast food all summer. So I decided it wouldn't hurt to set that goal. And 4 weeks in I'm still going strong. I have gone straight home to eat dinner instead of going to a drive thru. And it feels great!

I have noticed major differences in my health. My constant digestive problems, while not gone, have definitely subsided. I have lost 5 pounds, and I can tell that I have lost some fat from my midsection. Since it had been about a month, I decided to go to the gym with my most inspiring fitness friend. We have had 3 cardio sessions together, and she makes it go by faster because we're able to chat while we sweat. It hasn't been easy...I'll admit the first day after a rigorous (for me) session, I felt a bit woozy...but I took my time and didn't let it discourage me! I have gone 4 days in a row now and I feel so great! I may not have instant results...but I can feel the difference exercise is having on my body.

I have altered my diet and I decided a few days ago that I would start a better eating program. I am going to be eating 5 small meals a day, and along with the exercise I'm partaking in, I'm looking forward to seeing even more positive results. I am going to attempt to drop not only weight, but body fat. So I'm going to measure my BFP (Body Fat Percentage) each week and track it. I also am going to have Chad take some progressive pictures of me! I want to be able to see the results I'm getting from working out!

So as of Friday, which was nearly 4 weeks into my fast food cut, I checked my stats:

Weight- 136.4 (This is 5 lbs less than I weighed a month prior)
BFP-      22.3% (I'm sure it was higher before, but I'm using this as my starter)

I am not yet brave enough to post the pictures of what I looked like last night in a bikini, because I didn't suck it in, flex, or attempt to hide my flaws. I wanted to see all of them, and wow was it sad! But now I know my exact problem areas, and I know what it is I want to see improved. I know with the motivation I get from Jen, and the incredible support I get from Chad, I'll be able to reach my goals.

So here's to really being fit and fabulous! I am on a mission to look fantastic in a bikini, without sucking it in!

Seriously...again?

I am so excited, elated, and happy for those friends around me who are expecting children. With that being said...are you fucking serious? I swear to God it seems like every time I log onto Facebook someone else is pregnant. It's the most irritating thing to see when I've been trying for so long. I've been trying really hard to be happy for everyone...but it feels like a stabbing pain whenever I get my period and realize that yet again...I'm not pregnant. Ugh...anyway...for those of you that are pregnant, congrats...I mean that, really. I'm so happy for you. But if I seem less than thrilled and kind of annoyed whenever you talk about your pregnancy and all the things that come with it, it's nothing personal. I'm just slowly hating myself for feeling jealous.

One Year

It has been one year. One year since hubby and I decided I would stop taking birth control. One year since I began considering getting pregnant. One year since the event that caused Chad's mind to think, we are ready for kids. One year since Chad and I seriously began looking into homes that would fit our new family to be. One year ago today I became officially ready to be a mother.

One year.

One year since I dealt with getting a second period after finishing one just days prior. One year I have gone with irregular and missed periods. One year of negative pregnancy tests. One year of heartache, stress, and life trials. One year of ups and downs in my family life. One year of dealing with bull shit from others who sit on their high horses.

One year.

One year of endless support from friends. One year of "I love yous" from the ones that it means the most from. One year of fortune in the housing market. One year of happiness in the marriage department. One year of close bonding with my sisters. One year of putting my foot down and sticking to my guns. One year of not caring what others thought. One year of becoming a woman in my own heart.

One year...

While one year seems like nothing, it also is a large chunk of time in which a number of things have been fit into.. I am both lucky and unlucky in life. But I'm lucky where it counts and where I need to be in order to be happy. I am so grateful for those lucky things in my life. Because of those things, this last year, which has had it's share of living hells, has been manageable.

Living healthier

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in just 8 short months. I can't believe how quickly it's approaching! Have I really been out for that long? In recent months I've reconnected with a few high school friends which feels amazing. Among these friends, is a girl Jen. Jen and I became close friends my senior year, and we partied like no tomorrow after high school. I have lots of fond memories with her. Don't get me wrong, I have amazing fond memories with my other amazing friends from high school, i.e. Abbie, John, and even Crystal (though we haven't spoken in years.) But I bring up Jen because around the time I turned 21 Jen and I began drifting apart, no reason for it, we just went out separate ways. We have remained in touch through Myspace and now through Facebook, and I've seen her do something incredible. Jen has a son who is around 3 I believe, and after she had him, she packed on some baby weight, totally normal and acceptable. But what's crazy is she is now competing in bodybuilding competitions. Not the super gross huge ones, but in some intense ones. And I have to say I admire her for it. She's done some fitness modeling, and all around her body is amazing! She has toned arms and legs, and her 6 pack is to die for.

Since seeing her transformation through Facebook I've become more inspired by her. I look at her and think to myself, if she can do it...why can't I? And there really isn't a reason why I shouldn't be able to. The hardest part for me I think will be the diet. I am a lover of junk foods of all kinds. And giving up on it will suck royally, but if I set a goal, and reach it, then I'll be able to treat myself from time to time. So as of right now my goals are to A: make healthier food choices; B: exercise more each day; and C: Get a flat stomach by June. When I write it down it seems easy, but I'm taking baby steps for these things. I've been eating breakfast and taking a multivitamin each day for the last month. I walk Dexter every day for at least a mile (I'm going to start going for two,), and when I get home from said walk I do 2 sets of crunches and 2 sets of calf raises. I know it;s not much, but hey I gotta start somewhere!! So here's to a healthier me. I know I won't always make the best choices, and that's okay. But I think if I really focus on my goals then I'll be able to achieve them!

Thanks for inspiration Jen!!

The waiting game...

It has been exactly 283 days since I stopped taking my birth control pill. You'd think that after that long I'd be pregnant right?...WRONG! The last 9 months have been long. With each...ahem...monthly gift I get, I wish I could label it 'Return to Sender.' Or even better, take it to the stork store and exchange it for a a real gift...the gift of life! As I organize my Christmas card addresses I get just a little sting of pain. When I got off the pill I was so excited at the prospect of sending out Christmas cards with Chad and I in front of our tree, and me holding a rounded preggo tummy. While I will be holding something adorable, it won't be a future child inside of me.

I continue to play the waiting game...until then...I'll just keep on keeping on....

Pumpkin love

Before we owned our home, I didn't do much decorating for fall. I had a few decorations here and there. But nothing that stood out or really brought the autumn vibe into our place. So once fall hit here, I made it a point to head to the stores so I could scout out some cute decor. What I found was awesome!!! Please bear in mind that I took some of these pictures before I had actually decorated. So some of them are straight outta the wrapper!

First there was Target. I got these cute little signs in the dollar section for only 2.50 each!!! I also got the haunted jack-o-lantern from the dollar section for just a buck! And the Happy Halloween sign cost the same! Talk about bargain!! I also got some wicker pumpkins from the dollar section for 2.50 each, but I never got a picture of them. (I could take one now but I'm just too lazy!)

Second, there was Home Depot. I made out like a bandit! They had THE cutest scarecrows, and they were only 6 bucks a pop for the big ones, and the little ones were 3 bucks! I had to have them. And my neighbor told me that they are doing their job at scaring because they walk their dog at night and they sometimes freak that there are people standing in my planter. Hahaha!!

Next up is a delicious smelling candle courtesy of my baby sister. She got me this candle (as well as a spooky skull shaped hand soap) for my house!

Finally, there's my stuff from Kohl's and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. The placemats I bought from BB&B were on sale for $1.99 each! And at Kohl's I got everything there for either 40% off, or if I was really lucky, 50%! So I bought this welcome door decoration which I fell in love with, the maple leaf table runner, and the wrought iron pumpkin shaped candle holder.

 I absolutely looooved decorating my house this fall. I can't wait to get more decorations next year! I will have to pace myself slowly because otherwise I'll break my bank!

Fall-ing in love all over again...

It's that time! Fall...the wind blows harder, the nights are cooler, and once in a while we get a shower or two. I was never that big of a fan of fall (with the exception of Halloween and Thanksgiving). But my besties all showed me how wonderful it could be! I love the fashion, I've grown to really love the rain (outside as well as in), and I love the smells that come with it too. Pumpkin flavor is something I give into often, and cuddling under a blanket is that much sweeter.

And speaking of cuddling, hubby and I have made a plan to spend more quality time together. With both our schedules being opposite and so packed with different things, we are making it a point to enjoy our alone time. And cuddling while watching a movie is definitely a great way to work on that! We are even already talking about how to decorate for Christmas! It's a great feeling to know that we're on the same page and that we can overcome difficult situations!

So I guess the Fall season is even sweeter now that we own a home and that we were able to fall in love again with each other.

'You never see the hard days in a photo album..."

I was watching tv the other day and Clueless came on. The late Brittany Murphy was in it of course and it got me thinking about other movies she was in. You know how your mind just has a train of thought that leads from destination to destination? Well that's how I ended up with this quote. "You never see the hard days in a photo album...but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next." This was from the movie Just Married (which is awesome btw) and I remember when I heard it how I thought it was such a perfect line. The last few months...or years rather... I've been struggling with various things and when I think of this quote, I know that things will eventually be okay. I feel that this quote even applies to Facebook. Just because I don't post about all the bull shit going on in my life, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I just choose not to share every aspect on here, or with everyone I know for that matter.

I know that certain people have been talking about me and my family behind my back. I know they've been forming opinions about certain things we do, or decisions we've made. I know that certain people are saying that I am a bad person, or that I'm in the wrong. Whatever your opinion is, make sure you don't create it until you have all the facts. I'm sorry I don't use Facebook to air out my dirty laundry or to tell the world how awful my life is. Granted I know I'm not perfect, and I have in the past, and still do on occasion vent. But over sharing, especially on Facebook, is not something I'm into. If I don't share something with you, it's probably because I know you're going to talk behind my back anyway.

I don't confide in many people. I confide in a close few that I know I can rely on to listen when I need an ear, to give me advice when it's appropriate, or to tell me that things are going to be okay when I feel like the world is crashing down. Those people can be viewed as lucky, or unlucky depending on your standard, but either way I'm lucky to have them. Those of you, you know who you are...thank you. Just because I don't post details about how I'm feeling about certain situations, or about what exactly is happening in my life, does not mean that you get to decide that I'm a bitch for not telling you. Get over yourself. I know I can't stand seeing the same depressed status updates from some people on Facebook. It's just annoying! If I wanted to be friends with Eeyore then I'd move to Critter Country at Disneyland.

So with that being said, yes I'm going through a hard time, yes I struggle, yes I cry and I pray and I dream that things will get better. But until then, I'll just share the happy and high moments of my life, or just the random status updates that come to mind. Facebook isn't real life people. It's a SOCIAL NETWORK. I use it to be social with those people I choose. I get to decide what I post, and who I choose to be friends with. If I am not friends with you on Facebook, it is either A. You post too much drama, B. I don't want to read your posts, or C. I could give a shit if you fall off a cliff. Unless I tell you why I deleted someone off of Facebook, don't make assumptions, because you're making yourself look like an asshole.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Sometimes life sucks, other times it's great. And in these good and bad times, we have the choice to share experiences with the people around us. Those people can be boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, best friends, good friends, acquaintances, immediate family, distant family, coworkers or complete strangers. But I know for me the people that seem to be most willing to listen to all the crap is my friends. And not just any friends, my best friends.

I am so fortunate to have a great group of girlfriends. I think that having one is an essential part of life and life without them is unimaginable. These girls are the family that I have chosen, and also the family that has chosen me. They don't feel obligated to be around me, they choose to be. In life people let you down. They disappoint you, make decisions you don't agree with, and hurt your feelings. Sometimes these actions are intentional, other times not. But what it boils down to is how someone chooses to react to these decisions.

I know for me, I am beyond fortunate to have a strong group of intelligent women surrounding me. I love them each individually and for so many reasons. I love Melissa's sweet personality. She is so giving and so caring, and of course her sense of style is to die for. She has the most positive attitude and I adore her. I love Julie because she is so much like me. She is snarky and sarcastic, and I love that we text each other at least once a week asking what we should eat for a meal. Katie is hilarious. I mean truly hilarious. She is funny sometimes without meaning to be. She says off the wall, out of nowhere things, and sings karaoke like nobody's business. Danielle is someone I've grown incredibly close with thanks to our love for sci-fi, Buffy, and The Office. And of course for her beautiful growing child inside her. I can have a conversation with her for hours about nothing. And Crystal is my tall friend. We link arms when we walk around drunk (though her baby bump is now against that), laugh at random things we see, and I always ask her if she's wearing heels when we go out, because if she doesn't, then I won't either.

So many amazing traits all in one group. We all love fall, fashion, kids, and reality tv. Yet we're also all different and at different points in our lives. But in spite of all those things we're super close. I love them all so much and in this crazy life, I'm so glad to know that they're all just a phone call, text, facebook post, or tweet away.

The late night list...

Last night I wasn't super sleepy so I popped in The Office and fell asleep to that. Around 2am I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep. I laid there with lots of thoughts going through my head and I felt reminded of the SJP movie that's coming out, "I Don't Know How She Does It." There's a scene in a preview that shows how she lies in bed and talks about making "The List." I did this. Thinking about what I need to do the next day, about what bills to pay with this next paycheck, what I need from the market and when I'll go, how I need to get my car washed and so on and so forth. So of course me being the ever busy thinker, I grabbed my phone and made the list on my phone. So now I have a list on my phone and I'm waiting on pay day to get things done. So since I could only do so much today, I went to Home Depot and used a couple of gift cards, and then swiffered and mopped the house. 

It was all in all a really good day. Now tomorrow I have little baby Kawis and I gotta wake up early to prepare for her! So now I will go to sleep. Good night world...let's hope I don't need to make a new list tonight.

Happy Thoughts, Happy Times

I feel like I'm finally getting over this funk I'm in. Granted there are still a few things that I am not super crazy about in life, but for now I'm feeling good. Yesterday I received some words of encouragement from one of the women on my interview panel for my most recent interview. She told me that she thought I was going to be hired on in the winter because she and the other panelists wanted me there as well. She thought I had the job and was shocked when I told her that I wouldn't be seeing her around. She told me not to give up hope and to keep trying because I was somebody that they wanted there. It just made me really happy.

I haven't felt as stressed the last couple of days and all in all I'm feeling good. I know things are going to slowly start looking up. I just am impatient with how long it's going to take! :)

I may need assistance in keeping my chin up...

I'm having one of those days when I am super grumpy. I make plans, and have to break them, I have dreams, they're shattered, I have wants, and I'm told I can't have them. I don't know how many more negative things I can handle. I feel like my life is slowly moving toward the negative side of the number line. I don't know why I'm so emotional or sad these days. I have reasons to be, but I have reasons to be happy too. Why is it that I can't break this funk?

I need to get over this whole 'feeling sorry for myself thing' but I'm not sure how. New job? Pet? Baby? I want all 3, but none will be coming my way soon unfortunately. At least I doubt it. Because one I can't seem to get, the other I can't afford right now, and the third I want, but my partner in crime doesn't at this time. I feel so overwhelmed with negativity.

I wish I could escape to wherever it is that Alice lived and crawl down a rabbit hole into a fantasy world. Maybe after being nearly beheaded by a psycho queen, having to slave to paint white roses red, and talking to a disappearing cat will help me be happier for the things I have. Until then I think I'm going to have my own pity party. Those are allowed in life sometimes right?

Life as I know it...

The last few years have not ben a picnic in my world. Granted I've got so many things to be grateful for, but why is it that whenever something bad happens, it seems to bring my entire world crashing down? I wish I could go back to the days when I was around 16 or 17. That was when I didn't have much emotion, didn't care to show my tears, or anger, or sorrow. I would just swallow it down like a big pill. No thought, no heartache, just moved forward. And now I've developed such intense emotions that it almost is taking over my life.

I enjoy showing people my joy, my sincerity, but with those emotions sometimes also comes my frustration, my anger. I cry more now than I used to when I was younger. I blame hormones. But it always could be worse. I am so fortunate to have two amazing sisters to talk to, and 5 best friends that are like sisters that I can turn to as well. They listen to my complain, and vent, and talk about the things that nobody should have to hear. And they do it all willingly. They won't leave me. It's been said that friends are temporary and that your family will always be there for you. I, unfortunately, am experiencing the contradiction of this quote. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for the friendships I've acquired and I am so blessed that they stick with me through thick and thin. But the latter of that quote is what bothers me. I was always taught 'family first'... but now that ideal is being released into some twilight zone. I've been placed on a back burner, and it's as though I don't matter. I wish I could say it's all a matter of perception but sadly it's not. The choice has been made, and I am not the chosen one.

I never thought I would experience anything like this in my life. I thought the extent of my worries would be financial, or bickering with Chad, or even an occasional fight with my friends. But nothing could prepare me for a battle of this nature. The heartache that I feel is devastating. The overwhelming feeling of loss is beyond comparison to anything I've felt before. Even after expressing my thoughts logically and calmly, I am no longer a key factor.

I wonder if I wish myself into a state of no emotion it could come true. But until then it's not going to be possible. I must accept the negativity that is coming my way and move forward. Because I cannot control everything. I can't decide what the people around me choose to say and do, no matter how hard I may beg and plead with them. I can't help someone who doesn't wish to be helped. I guess that's just life.

Walk confidently in the direction of your dreams...

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't feel nervous, and I haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet, but either way it just is... The job isn't anything special. It's a part time position making a substantial amount less than what I make now as a lifeguard. That is the biggest con of it. But the pros are that I'll get more work during the off season from the pool, I'll have a more consistent income, and most important I'll get to become familiar with the location more, and even more important, they'll get to become familiar with me.

I have a good head on my shoulders. I'm intelligent, work well with the public, and am able to think on my feet. I multitask amazingly and I can work with or without supervision. This isn't just my resume, it's the truth. I feel I embody a number of things that an interviewer desires in a candidate.

I hope that tomorrow I'm able to really shine and show these people my potential. Because even if this job is awesome, the ultimate goal is full time work. And this position, like the one I'm in now, will act as a stepping stone to what I believe will be a rewarding and fulfilling career path.

So now I've got my slacks and dress shirt hung, and my heels set below. The interview isn't till the afternoon so I'll be able to distract myself at work until then. But I will walk into that interview confident and ready to show them that I will be an asset. Because stepping stone or not, this place would be my dream to work at, and you gotta start somewhere to get noticed.

Sleepy brain

I don't have anything to blog about tonight, but I feel like posting...so I'll just share what I did today! I worked till noon, then went to Geezer's for lunch. Later on I went to the fair which was awesome! We got some sheets for our new bed that'll be in soon and they're sooo nice!! 1600 thread count!...HOLLA!!! So that's all I've got. my brain literally doesn't want to type anymore.

Sheer Happiness...

Tonight I had an overwhelming feeling of sheer happiness. I had a smile on my face that I couldn't get rid of. It came about when I was in my backyard planting marigolds around my veggies, and Chad came into the backyard. I was busy digging and mixing plant fertilizer into the dirt and he was watering the flowers on the other side of the lawn.

After I finished up I moved stuff out of the way so he could continue watering the lawn. We stood outside just chatting and enjoying the breeze. It was such a great feeling. I couldn't help but feel butterflies for him in our new home. Seeing a new side of him (as well as myself) made that happen. Getting to tend to our yard and take pride in the place we live was such a great feeling. I can't wait till we finish moving things in and getting all the things we need to make our home "complete." But for now the love in this house is strong and I couldn't ask for anything else.

Handy Dandy

It's been a full week since we've moved into our new house. And it is slowly but surely turning into a home. There are a few decorations that still need to be put up, and a fair amount of new furniture that needs to be purchased, but all in all the house is coming along amazingly. Sitting here on my sofa typing in my new environment is still somewhat surreal. I know this is my house, I know we bought it fair and square, but I feel like I am just staying here temporarily. I'm sure once everything is unpacked and we're entirely settled I'll feel differently.

Since being here there have been a few things that need to be taken care of and I have to admit that I impressed and surprised myself! Granted I didn't do it all alone, I had help from my dad, and the ever so helpful peeps at Home Depot. But this last week I've made a number of calls to get all the utilities put in our name, Verizon set up the internet and cable, and the fridge was delivered about an hour ago ::Yay!::

But I learned that I am handy in my own little way. I was in need of clean laundry so even though Chad is out of town till tomorrow, I decided I could wrangle my inner girl power and take a trip to Home Depot. I bought a new fitting for our hose (which will be temporary because we need new hoses), a sprinkler (which I have to exchange because I don't like the way it works), and ABS pipes to set up the washer (there's no need for parentheses here but I feel like this item would be left out without them...haha.)

I installed the ABS pipes, and the washer works awesome now! Not that it wouldn't have worked before, but the water certainly would've spilled everywhere! And I know what kind of sprinkler would work better for our front and back yard. All in just a few days work.

I am anxious to get all these little things done for our house, but one thing at a time is going to have to be the best method, otherwise I'll overwhelm myself with too much on my plate. But thinking about all the things to get done does have it's fun side!