The late night list...

Last night I wasn't super sleepy so I popped in The Office and fell asleep to that. Around 2am I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep. I laid there with lots of thoughts going through my head and I felt reminded of the SJP movie that's coming out, "I Don't Know How She Does It." There's a scene in a preview that shows how she lies in bed and talks about making "The List." I did this. Thinking about what I need to do the next day, about what bills to pay with this next paycheck, what I need from the market and when I'll go, how I need to get my car washed and so on and so forth. So of course me being the ever busy thinker, I grabbed my phone and made the list on my phone. So now I have a list on my phone and I'm waiting on pay day to get things done. So since I could only do so much today, I went to Home Depot and used a couple of gift cards, and then swiffered and mopped the house. 

It was all in all a really good day. Now tomorrow I have little baby Kawis and I gotta wake up early to prepare for her! So now I will go to sleep. Good night world...let's hope I don't need to make a new list tonight.

Happy Thoughts, Happy Times

I feel like I'm finally getting over this funk I'm in. Granted there are still a few things that I am not super crazy about in life, but for now I'm feeling good. Yesterday I received some words of encouragement from one of the women on my interview panel for my most recent interview. She told me that she thought I was going to be hired on in the winter because she and the other panelists wanted me there as well. She thought I had the job and was shocked when I told her that I wouldn't be seeing her around. She told me not to give up hope and to keep trying because I was somebody that they wanted there. It just made me really happy.

I haven't felt as stressed the last couple of days and all in all I'm feeling good. I know things are going to slowly start looking up. I just am impatient with how long it's going to take! :)

I may need assistance in keeping my chin up...

I'm having one of those days when I am super grumpy. I make plans, and have to break them, I have dreams, they're shattered, I have wants, and I'm told I can't have them. I don't know how many more negative things I can handle. I feel like my life is slowly moving toward the negative side of the number line. I don't know why I'm so emotional or sad these days. I have reasons to be, but I have reasons to be happy too. Why is it that I can't break this funk?

I need to get over this whole 'feeling sorry for myself thing' but I'm not sure how. New job? Pet? Baby? I want all 3, but none will be coming my way soon unfortunately. At least I doubt it. Because one I can't seem to get, the other I can't afford right now, and the third I want, but my partner in crime doesn't at this time. I feel so overwhelmed with negativity.

I wish I could escape to wherever it is that Alice lived and crawl down a rabbit hole into a fantasy world. Maybe after being nearly beheaded by a psycho queen, having to slave to paint white roses red, and talking to a disappearing cat will help me be happier for the things I have. Until then I think I'm going to have my own pity party. Those are allowed in life sometimes right?

Life as I know it...

The last few years have not ben a picnic in my world. Granted I've got so many things to be grateful for, but why is it that whenever something bad happens, it seems to bring my entire world crashing down? I wish I could go back to the days when I was around 16 or 17. That was when I didn't have much emotion, didn't care to show my tears, or anger, or sorrow. I would just swallow it down like a big pill. No thought, no heartache, just moved forward. And now I've developed such intense emotions that it almost is taking over my life.

I enjoy showing people my joy, my sincerity, but with those emotions sometimes also comes my frustration, my anger. I cry more now than I used to when I was younger. I blame hormones. But it always could be worse. I am so fortunate to have two amazing sisters to talk to, and 5 best friends that are like sisters that I can turn to as well. They listen to my complain, and vent, and talk about the things that nobody should have to hear. And they do it all willingly. They won't leave me. It's been said that friends are temporary and that your family will always be there for you. I, unfortunately, am experiencing the contradiction of this quote. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for the friendships I've acquired and I am so blessed that they stick with me through thick and thin. But the latter of that quote is what bothers me. I was always taught 'family first'... but now that ideal is being released into some twilight zone. I've been placed on a back burner, and it's as though I don't matter. I wish I could say it's all a matter of perception but sadly it's not. The choice has been made, and I am not the chosen one.

I never thought I would experience anything like this in my life. I thought the extent of my worries would be financial, or bickering with Chad, or even an occasional fight with my friends. But nothing could prepare me for a battle of this nature. The heartache that I feel is devastating. The overwhelming feeling of loss is beyond comparison to anything I've felt before. Even after expressing my thoughts logically and calmly, I am no longer a key factor.

I wonder if I wish myself into a state of no emotion it could come true. But until then it's not going to be possible. I must accept the negativity that is coming my way and move forward. Because I cannot control everything. I can't decide what the people around me choose to say and do, no matter how hard I may beg and plead with them. I can't help someone who doesn't wish to be helped. I guess that's just life.

Walk confidently in the direction of your dreams...

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't feel nervous, and I haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet, but either way it just is... The job isn't anything special. It's a part time position making a substantial amount less than what I make now as a lifeguard. That is the biggest con of it. But the pros are that I'll get more work during the off season from the pool, I'll have a more consistent income, and most important I'll get to become familiar with the location more, and even more important, they'll get to become familiar with me.

I have a good head on my shoulders. I'm intelligent, work well with the public, and am able to think on my feet. I multitask amazingly and I can work with or without supervision. This isn't just my resume, it's the truth. I feel I embody a number of things that an interviewer desires in a candidate.

I hope that tomorrow I'm able to really shine and show these people my potential. Because even if this job is awesome, the ultimate goal is full time work. And this position, like the one I'm in now, will act as a stepping stone to what I believe will be a rewarding and fulfilling career path.

So now I've got my slacks and dress shirt hung, and my heels set below. The interview isn't till the afternoon so I'll be able to distract myself at work until then. But I will walk into that interview confident and ready to show them that I will be an asset. Because stepping stone or not, this place would be my dream to work at, and you gotta start somewhere to get noticed.

Sleepy brain

I don't have anything to blog about tonight, but I feel like posting...so I'll just share what I did today! I worked till noon, then went to Geezer's for lunch. Later on I went to the fair which was awesome! We got some sheets for our new bed that'll be in soon and they're sooo nice!! 1600 thread count!...HOLLA!!! So that's all I've got. my brain literally doesn't want to type anymore.

Sheer Happiness...

Tonight I had an overwhelming feeling of sheer happiness. I had a smile on my face that I couldn't get rid of. It came about when I was in my backyard planting marigolds around my veggies, and Chad came into the backyard. I was busy digging and mixing plant fertilizer into the dirt and he was watering the flowers on the other side of the lawn.

After I finished up I moved stuff out of the way so he could continue watering the lawn. We stood outside just chatting and enjoying the breeze. It was such a great feeling. I couldn't help but feel butterflies for him in our new home. Seeing a new side of him (as well as myself) made that happen. Getting to tend to our yard and take pride in the place we live was such a great feeling. I can't wait till we finish moving things in and getting all the things we need to make our home "complete." But for now the love in this house is strong and I couldn't ask for anything else.