Life as I know it...

The last few years have not ben a picnic in my world. Granted I've got so many things to be grateful for, but why is it that whenever something bad happens, it seems to bring my entire world crashing down? I wish I could go back to the days when I was around 16 or 17. That was when I didn't have much emotion, didn't care to show my tears, or anger, or sorrow. I would just swallow it down like a big pill. No thought, no heartache, just moved forward. And now I've developed such intense emotions that it almost is taking over my life.

I enjoy showing people my joy, my sincerity, but with those emotions sometimes also comes my frustration, my anger. I cry more now than I used to when I was younger. I blame hormones. But it always could be worse. I am so fortunate to have two amazing sisters to talk to, and 5 best friends that are like sisters that I can turn to as well. They listen to my complain, and vent, and talk about the things that nobody should have to hear. And they do it all willingly. They won't leave me. It's been said that friends are temporary and that your family will always be there for you. I, unfortunately, am experiencing the contradiction of this quote. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for the friendships I've acquired and I am so blessed that they stick with me through thick and thin. But the latter of that quote is what bothers me. I was always taught 'family first'... but now that ideal is being released into some twilight zone. I've been placed on a back burner, and it's as though I don't matter. I wish I could say it's all a matter of perception but sadly it's not. The choice has been made, and I am not the chosen one.

I never thought I would experience anything like this in my life. I thought the extent of my worries would be financial, or bickering with Chad, or even an occasional fight with my friends. But nothing could prepare me for a battle of this nature. The heartache that I feel is devastating. The overwhelming feeling of loss is beyond comparison to anything I've felt before. Even after expressing my thoughts logically and calmly, I am no longer a key factor.

I wonder if I wish myself into a state of no emotion it could come true. But until then it's not going to be possible. I must accept the negativity that is coming my way and move forward. Because I cannot control everything. I can't decide what the people around me choose to say and do, no matter how hard I may beg and plead with them. I can't help someone who doesn't wish to be helped. I guess that's just life.

Walk confidently in the direction of your dreams...

I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't feel nervous, and I haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet, but either way it just is... The job isn't anything special. It's a part time position making a substantial amount less than what I make now as a lifeguard. That is the biggest con of it. But the pros are that I'll get more work during the off season from the pool, I'll have a more consistent income, and most important I'll get to become familiar with the location more, and even more important, they'll get to become familiar with me.

I have a good head on my shoulders. I'm intelligent, work well with the public, and am able to think on my feet. I multitask amazingly and I can work with or without supervision. This isn't just my resume, it's the truth. I feel I embody a number of things that an interviewer desires in a candidate.

I hope that tomorrow I'm able to really shine and show these people my potential. Because even if this job is awesome, the ultimate goal is full time work. And this position, like the one I'm in now, will act as a stepping stone to what I believe will be a rewarding and fulfilling career path.

So now I've got my slacks and dress shirt hung, and my heels set below. The interview isn't till the afternoon so I'll be able to distract myself at work until then. But I will walk into that interview confident and ready to show them that I will be an asset. Because stepping stone or not, this place would be my dream to work at, and you gotta start somewhere to get noticed.

Sleepy brain

I don't have anything to blog about tonight, but I feel like posting...so I'll just share what I did today! I worked till noon, then went to Geezer's for lunch. Later on I went to the fair which was awesome! We got some sheets for our new bed that'll be in soon and they're sooo nice!! 1600 thread count!...HOLLA!!! So that's all I've got. my brain literally doesn't want to type anymore.

Sheer Happiness...

Tonight I had an overwhelming feeling of sheer happiness. I had a smile on my face that I couldn't get rid of. It came about when I was in my backyard planting marigolds around my veggies, and Chad came into the backyard. I was busy digging and mixing plant fertilizer into the dirt and he was watering the flowers on the other side of the lawn.

After I finished up I moved stuff out of the way so he could continue watering the lawn. We stood outside just chatting and enjoying the breeze. It was such a great feeling. I couldn't help but feel butterflies for him in our new home. Seeing a new side of him (as well as myself) made that happen. Getting to tend to our yard and take pride in the place we live was such a great feeling. I can't wait till we finish moving things in and getting all the things we need to make our home "complete." But for now the love in this house is strong and I couldn't ask for anything else.

Handy Dandy

It's been a full week since we've moved into our new house. And it is slowly but surely turning into a home. There are a few decorations that still need to be put up, and a fair amount of new furniture that needs to be purchased, but all in all the house is coming along amazingly. Sitting here on my sofa typing in my new environment is still somewhat surreal. I know this is my house, I know we bought it fair and square, but I feel like I am just staying here temporarily. I'm sure once everything is unpacked and we're entirely settled I'll feel differently.

Since being here there have been a few things that need to be taken care of and I have to admit that I impressed and surprised myself! Granted I didn't do it all alone, I had help from my dad, and the ever so helpful peeps at Home Depot. But this last week I've made a number of calls to get all the utilities put in our name, Verizon set up the internet and cable, and the fridge was delivered about an hour ago ::Yay!::

But I learned that I am handy in my own little way. I was in need of clean laundry so even though Chad is out of town till tomorrow, I decided I could wrangle my inner girl power and take a trip to Home Depot. I bought a new fitting for our hose (which will be temporary because we need new hoses), a sprinkler (which I have to exchange because I don't like the way it works), and ABS pipes to set up the washer (there's no need for parentheses here but I feel like this item would be left out without them...haha.)

I installed the ABS pipes, and the washer works awesome now! Not that it wouldn't have worked before, but the water certainly would've spilled everywhere! And I know what kind of sprinkler would work better for our front and back yard. All in just a few days work.

I am anxious to get all these little things done for our house, but one thing at a time is going to have to be the best method, otherwise I'll overwhelm myself with too much on my plate. But thinking about all the things to get done does have it's fun side!

Summer time and free time

So far summer has treated me amazing. I've bought a house, made some money, had good times with great friends and all in all just enjoyed myself. And luckily for me, I got the morning shift, which means most days of the week I get off work by 1!

Getting off work that early has given me lots of free time, and now that I have internet, and a new inspiration to blog thanks to my fangirl friend Danielle, I'm going to start updating on here more often.

I'm excited to restart my blog and hope people enjoy reading my random thoughts.

Cried myself dry

In these crappy economic times, it's no secret that getting a job is tough. What makes it more upsetting, is not being able to start a career in the field you set out for. I knew when I decided to go back to school, that teaching isn't the most glamorous of jobs. It requires hard work, tons of observations, the ability to think on your feet, being able to reach every student, being able to communicate with parents, having to work closely with other teachers, and doing it all while not letting your students fall behind. However, even knowing all of that, I decided to go to grad school anyway and get my degree.

I remember when I first decided to go back to school. I talked to Chad about it and decided his input was very important since the student loan debt, by the time I'd be paying, would be his as well. He thought it was a great idea and was really supportive. So there I went, back to school. I met a few great friends along the way and truly enjoyed it. When I first started school, was when the economy really started taking a turn for the worse. On the news they would talk about teacher layoffs and budget cuts, but part of me hoped it would only be temporary. As I moved along the news only got worse. Thousands of teachers being laid off in California meant that my job field just became more competitive. As if being a first year teacher isn't hard enough, how am I supposed to find someone to hire me when I have a master's and they're going to have to pay me more? Not only that, but the application and interview process would be even more difficult due to the overwhelming amount of laid off teachers attempting to regain employment in their chosen field.

I was fortunate to have 2 jobs. Both that paid very well. I worked both while going to school and I felt that at least once I finished, I could leave this district and move on elsewhere to a place that I felt better suited me. Unfortunately, having to leave that district early was not in my plans. But it was a decision that I had to make, because working in an unhealthy and unwelcoming environment, was not somewhere I wanted to be.

Since quitting that job, I've applied for a number of others. Unfortunately, schools are still laying off and are not doing much hiring. I applied to 5 schools and received not one call back. Over the summer I had 2 separate pay cuts due to the lowered budget of our city. So not only was I now making less money, but I was terrified to think about what would happen once the pool closed. Then we got the ball dropped on us again. The pool would be closing early this year because of the expense to run it. Big bummer.

Since mid summer, I've applied for about 20 more positions. It's hard to continue to receive the "same" email. "We're sorry, but at this time we're moving forward with other applicants who more closely fit the position," has become a norm in my inbox. How am I, as well as many others, supposed to feel like a productive member of society when I can't even get a job in retail? I have received so many rejections that it has numbed me. The first few rejections made me sad, the next few made me angry. But at this point, I can do nothing more than sigh and click delete.

I know I am not doomed to be unemployed forever, and I have a husband that fortunately makes enough money to support the both of us. But it does not change the fact that I feel like a big fat loser who can't seem to catch a break lately. What's sad is that I've seen it in so many of my friends' lives, but could only feel sympathetic for their misfortune. The difficulty of finding a job has now made me empathetic for their struggles. I now see just how hard times are for so many others.

So for now all I can do it pray, cross my fingers, hope for the best and continue to apply for jobs. Because on this very day, I don't have the ability to shed any more tears. I've literally cried myself dry.