Life as I know it...

The last few years have not ben a picnic in my world. Granted I've got so many things to be grateful for, but why is it that whenever something bad happens, it seems to bring my entire world crashing down? I wish I could go back to the days when I was around 16 or 17. That was when I didn't have much emotion, didn't care to show my tears, or anger, or sorrow. I would just swallow it down like a big pill. No thought, no heartache, just moved forward. And now I've developed such intense emotions that it almost is taking over my life.

I enjoy showing people my joy, my sincerity, but with those emotions sometimes also comes my frustration, my anger. I cry more now than I used to when I was younger. I blame hormones. But it always could be worse. I am so fortunate to have two amazing sisters to talk to, and 5 best friends that are like sisters that I can turn to as well. They listen to my complain, and vent, and talk about the things that nobody should have to hear. And they do it all willingly. They won't leave me. It's been said that friends are temporary and that your family will always be there for you. I, unfortunately, am experiencing the contradiction of this quote. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for the friendships I've acquired and I am so blessed that they stick with me through thick and thin. But the latter of that quote is what bothers me. I was always taught 'family first'... but now that ideal is being released into some twilight zone. I've been placed on a back burner, and it's as though I don't matter. I wish I could say it's all a matter of perception but sadly it's not. The choice has been made, and I am not the chosen one.

I never thought I would experience anything like this in my life. I thought the extent of my worries would be financial, or bickering with Chad, or even an occasional fight with my friends. But nothing could prepare me for a battle of this nature. The heartache that I feel is devastating. The overwhelming feeling of loss is beyond comparison to anything I've felt before. Even after expressing my thoughts logically and calmly, I am no longer a key factor.

I wonder if I wish myself into a state of no emotion it could come true. But until then it's not going to be possible. I must accept the negativity that is coming my way and move forward. Because I cannot control everything. I can't decide what the people around me choose to say and do, no matter how hard I may beg and plead with them. I can't help someone who doesn't wish to be helped. I guess that's just life.